Fear or Trust?

"The most self-destructive thought that any person can have is thinking that he or she is not in total control of his or her life. That's when, 'Why me?' becomes a theme song."  — Roger Dawson

You always have a choice to live your life from the perspective of trust and gratitude — or from fear and doubt. The pendulum of life forever swings alternate ways, so your perspective is simply an illusion of truth which you can control. Your happiness hinges on whether you are negative and drained, complaining about constant problems — or empowered and positive, thankful for the perfection of your life.

"If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now."  —  Marcus Aurelius

Living in doubt, fear, and concern stems from your own judgment that something is not perfect. You feel fear, insecurity, worry, indecision, stress, and even confusion. This judgment says that something is a problem or a burden — is either good or bad — and then conditions you to continue to always expect the worst. Ironically, your judgment is never based on your actual expertise to make that judgment though.

"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." — Albert Einstein

Even though some experience or person initially "planted" an idea with you, look for the advantages of, opportunities from, and lessons to be learned from all negative experiences. Consider how many disasters turned out alright, and some even became blessings. You must become aware of your perspectives in order to adjust it.

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."  — Charles Beard

Without problems to solve, life would be unfulfilling, boring, dull, and empty. They're interesting, challenging, focusing, and energizing. You become motivated to grow and change. Do not let your natural need for excitement develop anger about someone or something simply for the drama. 

"When you arrive at your future, will you blame your past?"  — Robert Half

Living in trust and gratitude feels good, secure, hopeful, and liberating. You are relaxed, confident, and empowered. It encourages possibilities, understanding, tolerance, solutions, growth, and opportunities without limitations. Concentrate on what you have — not what you're missing. Develop a vision of your life that you can get excited about instead of staying stuck in the past or continuing non-productive habits.  Look at and appreciate every moment of life's journey so that your peace and happiness is never dependent on any external event (good or bad).

"...focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."   — Greg Anderson

 

Enjoy life now — it has an expiration date!

Committed to YOU

"Every achiever that I have ever met says, 'My life turned around when I began to believe in me.'"  — Dr. Robert H. Schuller

In order to make the best choices for yourself, you need to be committed to taking good care of yourself. Admit to yourself that you WANT to feel good instead of bad, that you want to be treated with respect and consideration by others, and that you want to enjoy your life. That does NOT mean you are against, gruel to, or inconsiderate of others — simply that you understand you can't love and help others without FIRST loving and taking care of yourself.

"It is never about how good your voice is; it is only about feeling the urge to sing, and then having the courage to do it with the voice you are given."  — Katie in 'True to Form' by Elizabeth Berg

Unfortunately, many reasons may prevent you from making those good choices for yourself — such as YOU don't think that your feelings and pain matter, that YOU don't deserve to be happy; that YOU can't stick up for yourself; that YOU can't do anything right; or that YOU don't care about being mistreated.

" ...what I focus on in life is what I get. And if I concentrate on how bad I am or how wrong I am or how inadequate I am, if I concentrate on what I can't do and how there's not enough time in which to do it, isn't that what I get every time? And when I think about how powerful I am, and when I think about what I have left to contribute, and when I think about the difference I can make on this planet, then that's what I get. You see, I recognize that it's not what happens to you; it's what you do about it."  — W. Mitchell

Adjust your commitment to yourself by asking yourself several times a day if you're acting in your own interest. This routine is especially beneficial when you feel bad, sad, hurt, ashamed, worried, mistreated, guilty, frustrated, stressed, irritated, or pressured.  Remember how you feel being with someone who loves you and being for someone you love [like a child, pet, or best friend]. Give those same feelings of care and support to yourself. Identify any feelings of resistance to that care and support for yourself — then mentally throw it away! You are just as important and have the same rights as everyone else, so take care of yourself first in order to then help others.

"We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have."  — James R. Ball

Enjoy life now — it has an expiration date!

Habitual Living

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."  — Mother Theresa

Your life is controlled by your habits: how you brush your teeth, sleep, drive a car, walk, think, feel, behave, etc. Habits allow you to move through your daily activities without spending energy on the how. They allow your mind to concentrate on the where. Not all habits are productive though because they determine your unconscious choices and often lead you in circles of failure by repeating what doesn't work.  Insanity is described as doing the same thing but expecting different results.

"Remember, you only have to succeed the last time." — Brian Tracy: Author, speaker, and consultant

To change the path of your life, you must change your habits.  Examine why you do something a certain way and make a conscious choice to replace those habits that aren't giving the desired results. You may only be able to make small adjustments at first, but bigger changes become easier due to initial successes. Accept and understand how your core beliefs drive your behavior — whether unconscious habits or conscious choices.

"Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy."  —Tony Robbins: Life-coaching author, adviser, and lecturer

Totally commit to changing one unproductive habit every three months, whether it's eating healthier, exercising regularly, getting organized, or simply no longer procrastinating.  Write down detailed, specific steps for adjusting a habit, find a buddy to help with moral support, and create reminders or a schedule to reinforce the new habit. 

"Nothing can add more power to your life than concentrating all your energies on a limited set of targets." — Nido Qubein

The most surprising result from changing just one habit is the shift in your perspective of your life.

"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds." —Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Enjoy life now — it has an expiration date!

Belief-based Commitments

"The unexamined life is not worth living".  — Socrates

Everyone's life is based on their underlying beliefs. Unfortunately, some of these hidden beliefs restrict your potential, and actually disempower you from achieving your goals. The key is identifying which goals you're actually committed to reaching. Examine your behaviors to understand how your beliefs determine your behavior and affect your commitment to reaching your goals. Discard or replace the beliefs which are not actually helping you.

"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, and love."  — Leo Buscaglia

There's a difference in a half-heart attempt and an actual commitment to take whatever risks are necessary to reach a goal. When you try without commitment, you're willing to accept failure. This behavior undermines your self-confidence in yourself and determines how dependable other's see you.

"Let me listen to me and not to them." — Gertrude Stein

Another benefit of living with only the beliefs that you've consciously chosen is that you are not subject to the whims of life — you're never a victim of whatever life throws at you. Your commitments change as priorities change, but you should always be aware of your choices and on which beliefs they are based. 

"Don't water your weeds."  — Harvey Mackay

Don't judge your choices harshly — simply learn from your mistakes and consciously control the choices you make. Add structure in your life to develop beneficial habits that help you reach your goal while preventing you from making excuses for ignoring your commitments. Building a conscious life is all within your power and control!

"What you must dare is to be yourself."  — Dag Hammarskjold

Enjoy life now — it has an expiration date!

Adjusting your Self-Image

"If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now."  — Marcus Aurelius

Your self-image is your unconscious picture of who and how you believe you are — based on all the thoughts, successes, phobias, comments, happiness, emotions, humiliations, frustrations, criticisms, fears, failures, actions, and behaviors that you've experienced and accumulated during your life. 

"I can change. I can live out my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past."  — Stephen Covey

Unfortunately, most of your beliefs were formed in early childhood when you were too immature to recognize authentic information. Your subconscious mind — then and now — accepts all comments, ideas, thoughts, and images as a legitimate belief to be accepted as truth.

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."  — Alvin Toffler

Consequently, your early beliefs — whether true, realistic, or logical — are the basis of all your adult feelings, actions, and behaviors. As an adult though. . .wanting happiness, contentment, and peace in your life, you are very capable of unraveling the knot of false, illogical, and destructive beliefs that wreck havoc in your life.

"The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and their destination."  — John Schaar

It's a simple concept, but not easy. Listen to your self-talk, the things you say to yourself about yourself and make a choice [it's ALWAYS your choice] whether or not you really accept that belief. By identifying a belief, you can consciously decide whether or not it currently applies to your life and is beneficial to you. Reject it, accept it, enhance it, or replace it. This is YOUR reality and only you can create it.

"All of us begin to rethink what is good about ourselves — put the past where it belongs — and get on with the possibilities of the present!"  — Howard Rainer, Taos Pueblo-Creek

Enjoy life now — it has an expiration date!

Healing thru Mistakes

"People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives." —  J. Michael Straczynski

Making bad choices which are not good for you physically or emotionally often result in your feelings of guilt and shame being hidden deep inside.  Ignoring these feelings though can prevent part of you from feeling like you deserve to forgive yourself and heal. Ironically, those hidden feelings are most in need of your attention, love, and forgiveness. And becoming aware of those stuffed feelings is required to start your healing process.

"Your whole idea about yourself is borrowed — borrowed from those who have no idea of who they are themselves." — Osho: Was an Indian mystic, guru, and philosopher

Pay attention to the choices you make that they are not good for your well-being. Explore why you are making a bad choice, learn from your mistakes, and be gentle with yourself. Give your tender, hidden feelings a lot of TLC and expose them to the light and air to take away their power.
 

Enjoy life now — it has an expiration date!

Control, Beliefs, & Reality

Once you become aware of and accept all the things in life that you cannot control — those things that are not your job — you can start appreciating all the good things in your life. Your perception of your reality changes even if your life doesn't, and your journey shifts course effortlessly.

The beauty of reaching this point is that now you no longer need to work nearly as hard at feeling happy and content. You can relax because you finally get it, once and for all — you no longer need to try to control, defend, protect, or guard against risk. It was never your responsibility anyway, but now it's not even tempting. You've let go, stopped hanging on to your old ways of thinking, and you can just go with the flow!

You are not always right — but it's not always because you are wrong.

You are not doomed nor fated to have a bad life — nor are you a BAD PERSON. Your reality is simply clouded by those early beliefs which you absorbed which are no longer true, acceptable, nor applicable. Identify and discard old beliefs and replace them with acceptable beliefs. Just relax, accept, and allow your new reality to unfold.

Fw: Blame, Freedom, & Forgiveness

"Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility." — Sigmund Freud

Freedom comes in many forms: physical, emotional, financial, religious, etc.  All require accepting the responsibility for acquiring and maintaining that freedom. Emotional freedom — from guilt, pain, shame, insecurity, resentment — all require you to do the work to identify and then to let go of the emotional baggage you've acquired over time.

"In order to live your freedom, you must first accept reality. 'These are the choices, and given those choices, which do I choose?' Whether the option you select is pleasant or painful does not alter the fact that, given reality, this is your preference. . .ask yourself, 'Why am I doing this?' and then notice whether, given the options, you are choosing what you really want, or whether you want to choose something else. Sometimes the exercise of freedom involves naming your poison — all choices may lead to outcomes that are in some way painful. But the real pain is that of feeling powerless — denying your freedom." — Christopher J. McCullough, author of Nobody's Victim

No one but YOU can change how you feel — about anything. . .because you always have a choice about how you feel. This is your responsibility, freedom, & right — to take good care of yourself. Learn to love yourself and to at least feel peacefulness if not happiness in all situations. In order to move forward in creating the contented reality you want, you've got to let go of the hurtful, guilty, or resentful feelings you've stuffed deep inside for years. YOUR reality won't be what you want if you leave it to others. 

"Freedom is man's capacity to take a hand in his own development. It is our capacity to mold ourselves." — Dr. Rollo May

First, realize that the opposite of taking responsibility is blaming others or yourself. Guilt and shame go along with blame, so regardless of your childhood, romantic, social, or employment situations, you can choose to get rid of those feelings by forgiving yourself and others. You can recreate or re-image your image of yourself by honoring your life and the lives of others. You can go beyond understanding, acceptance, and even an apology to become the person you want to be.

"As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind."  — Isabelle Holland

Although some past experiences may be so horrific to you, you always have the choice to change how you feel about the event. You definitely can't change what happened, but you CAN stop your bitterness. It only continues making you feel like a victim. All those negative feelings are a constant burden, holding you (and your life) in one spot. Forgiveness requires nothing in return and offers only positive results.

"Whatever we have done, we can always make amends for it without ever looking back in guilt or sorrow." — Eknath Easwaran

You can start to forgive once you stop identifying yourself with the pain from an event. This doesn't mean in any way that you're condoning or making excuses for someone else's bad behavior. You're basically forgiving yourself and acknowledging that you weren't to blame for what happened. That acceptance allows you to then get in touch with and process your hidden feelings. Forgiveness is what you do for yourself — not for anyone else.  Ironically, allowing yourself to feel and let go of your pain creates a new understanding of the pain also felt by those who have hurt you.

Getting Happy

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." — Friedrich Nietzsche

So you're in a slump, have the blahs, and definitely not feeling the joy about much of anything. You don't really feel like doing anything or communicating with anyone, so maybe you feel like you need to pamper yourself to get rid of the blues. Unfortunately, if you pig out on your favorite munchies and/or just hang around alone all day in your jammies, you're likely to feel even worse from the GUILT of eating unhealthy food and being unproductive and lazy.

"If we keep everything in balance, we are in harmony with ourselves and are at peace."  — Fools Crow, LAKOTA

Surprisingly, these actions are just the opposite of what you need to do to kick start your feelings. Alcoholics Anonymous has an expression that says, Fake it 'til you make it, based on the proven fact that actions come before feelings — not the other way around.

"...focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." — Greg Anderson

And because of this action first, feelings last, expressing negative feelings like anger or sadness are only going to stir up your negative emotions and make you feel worse. Find diversions to stop thinking about your issues, and stop hiding away and feeling sorry for yourself. Get out around people, preferably good friends, or at least go somewhere that perks you up, like a movie, museum, park, zoo, or even a shopping center. Do something you feel good about doing that excites you, like photography or painting, jogging or yoga, cleaning and donating.

"Forget the resolutions. Forget control and discipline...too much work. Instead try experimenting. Go in search of something to fall in love with...something about yourself, your career, your spouse." — Dale Dauten

You can't actually think yourself happy without going through the motions first. Get moving and count your blessing in order to really feel the happiness.

"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery." — H. G. Wells

A constant Happy High

Even if you've realized that happiness is your choice, you may still be having problems thinking happy thoughts daily. You could have been conditioned by society to be prepared for the worst so that now your thoughts lean to the negative possibilities in your life. Although ugly surprises are very unpleasant, dwelling on all the what if's is not only a very unhealthy way to live, both physically and emotionally, but you also risk the possibility of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence."- Aristotle: was a Greek philosopher

Shift your focus from preparation for bad to awareness of good. Don't let your circumstances control your appreciation of life. Happiness does not hinge on what you have or don't have — just on how you SEE what you have.

 

Look for, find, and appreciate all the things that are in your life about which to be happy and content. Happy moments can be huge, like marriage or births, or very small, like discovering a small, blooming wildflower, hearing a bird song, drinking a great cup of coffee, or receiving a phone call from a good friend. The little things in life and relationships make the difference, so pay attention to them.

"...focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it."  — Greg Anderson

If necessary, start a happiness journal to keep track of those growing reasons to feel happy. The more reasons you recognize to feel happy, the more balanced your life becomes.

Concentrate on the Similarities

I've never understood why societies tend to notice the aspects that are different between members, rather than concentrating on the aspects of similarities.  I've both watched and personally experienced the phenomena of people who are not happy with each other uniting against a common problem.  How amazing when energies and passions are combined to produce more than double the results (synergy). 

 

As a simple but powerful example, consider the various religious quotes regarding "love they neighbor":

Full of love for all things in the world, practicing virtue in order to benefit others, this man alone is happy. -- Buddhism

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you... By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. -- Christianity

Seek to be in harmony with all your neighbors; live in amity with your brethren. --Confucianism

A man obtains a proper rule of action by looking on his neighbor as himself. --Hinduism

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. --Judaism

Regard Heaven as your father, Earth as your mother, and all things as your brothers and sisters. --Shintoism

Doesn't this sound like the distinct possibility that one God is speaking through all these religions? 

 

So whether it's religion, race, disabilities, weight, education, income, abilities, or any other of a host of 'differences' you may feel about another person, just concentrating on the 'similarities' is far healthier (for everyone), easier to maintain (requires much less of your energy), and overall leaves you feeling much more peaceful and serene about the choices you're making in your life.

Choosing to Change

I'm always amazed by how many people, both young & old, don't realize they always have choices to make in their lives. Not doing anything or not making any changes is always one of at least two possible choices at any time.

A specific change should only be made when it's the best possible choice to be made. But where exactly do you start?